Emotional or mental fitness is much like physical fitness:  It requires desire, discipline, evaluation, and flexibility. When we become physically fit, we shape our bodies, increase our cardiovascular endurance, strength, and balance.  Results are often noticed by people around us, and often supported by good nutrition and eating habits.  A healthy, fit, and beautiful body is a worthwhile desire because being fit increases our likelihood of vibrant energy, internal organs that function with precision and ease, confidence, and looking our best, which all have merit.  But, we often spend too much time on our physical fitness and place less attention, or even neglect our emotional/mental fitness. 

Emotional and mental fitness make everything else possible.  This does not mean that when we achieve physical fitness, we necessarily reach emotional fitness; and, needless to say, we certainly can have forms of emotional fitness and lack physical fitness.  Much like life, we must view fitness in all its forms along a continuum, which varies in different domains of life: family, work, relationships, body, spirituality, etc.  

Now, here's the beauty of emotional/mental fitness and the case for pursuing it passionately:  When we become crazy in love with cultivating qualities of mind, spirit, and character, we are happier, people around us are happier (and inspired), and life is deeply meaningful -with or without the perfect body, partner, job, degrees, material things.  

Fortunately, the field of positive psychology has identified character traits (virtues) and strengths, which merit "the good life."  The Values in Action classification system (also noted in my Benjamin Franklin post) offers the following virtues agreed upon by positive psychology theorists, philosophers and theologians across historical periods and world cultures: 1) wisdom and knowledge, 2) courage, 3) humanity and love, 4) justice 5) temperance, 6) transcendence  (If you would like to take a survey to determine your VIA character strengths, please check out www.authentichappiness.org)

To build our emotional/mental wellness muscles, we must first take an honest look at our lives.  We can do this on our own and/or sometimes a therapist, friend, or loved one will offer us insights in a gentle way to promote a deeply honest accounting of where we are, where we hope to be, and where we go from here.  As we ask ourselves questions such as, how well did I: love today?  stand up for truth? Find and see beauty in the natural elements, in myself, my colleagues, family, friends, the "outsider"? Did I demonstrate humility?  Forgiveness? Was I able to laugh today?  Have self-control?  Integrity?  Gratitude?  Forgiveness?  Fairness, (name the qualities important to you), we can more greatly become attuned to our strengths, areas of challenge and set emotional fitness goals, which can be measured much life physical fitness goals. We can note our results, the energy we create when we enter a room, sit with others, in their joys, doubts, and sorrows.   
Once we set  our goals, it is helpful to be accountable to ourselves, another person, God or a metaphysical entity (if so inclined), by engaging in daily habits to promote the building of the emotional wellness muscles.  Examples include scheduling daily acts of kindness, keeping a gratitude journal/expressing gratitude, scheduling reading something outside our professional fields, standing up to a racist, homophobic, sexist, anti-religious, anti-atheist remark, for example.  Much like physical fitness, emotional wellness muscles can be noticed by those around you, even if nothing is said because irrespective of our backgrounds, goodness is good.  We know it when we see it, and want more of it.

Next, we are always growing, and once we have "mastered" an area, we must not become complacent:  Even though we may exhibit qualities of mastery (the trait becoming second nature), we must continue to see ourselves with a "beginner's mind," and a student's heart, filled with both curiosity and receptivity to learning with each and every encounter. Practicing mindfulness meditation, relaxation techniques, and visualization will promote a regulation of emotions, an easing of tension, clarity of vision, and an experience of the emotional heart muscle...This is the inner self, which is cradled in safety, a sense of hope, and certitude that no matter what might appear to be happening in our outer world, the inner world, the inner self is where it's at.  When we touch this, we are more easily able to see the wholeness of others, even if their emotional muscles have yet to be flexed or they have failed to attend practice.

To building our emotional muscles with joy, focus, passion, humility and feelings of crazy love invigoration!  

Some people use and invoke the idea of forgiveness loosely.  They may say, "Just let it go; just forgive!"  In some circumstances, forgiving or "letting go" quickly is easy because there are minor offenses and insensitivities that should not cause-and/or contribute to- gratuitous negative emotions in a relationship or in our day.  In such circumstances, it is important for the person who transgressed to recognize, apologize, and refrain from the actions that caused the hurt; and, the relational partner should welcome the apology.  

With serious offenses, "forgiving" prematurely may cause more damage than good.  I put forgiveness in quotations here because such forgiveness might be a way to not confront a reality, and/or be so shallow that if there is contact with the offender, anger/blame/resentment/punishment seeps out in subsequent interactions and does more harm than good. Needless to say, this is not forgiveness.  

When there is a serious offense, indignity or betrayal, forgiveness will likely be a process- and it should be.  Depending upon the offense and the level of accountability of the offender, the person transgressed against may experience anger, confusion, deep sadness, possibly self-blame.  Time will be needed.  

When we forgive, we have recognized within the offender his/her inherent goodness, a part of the person that has merit, based solely on their humanity, which we all possess.  Forgiveness here can happen with or without an apology and/or the accountability of the offender.  It will likely be easier if there is a genuine apology and steps to make right what was wrong.  However, even here, forgiving the person does not mean- or necessarily lead to-reconciliation. Forgiveness should be differentiated from reconciliation and justice (beyond the scope of this post).  Briefly, reconciliation and/or justice may or may not be part of the process.  When we forgive, we let go.  We do not carry the weight of the offense with us.  This "letting go" frees, heals, and allows our deepest sense of self to be restored in hope and inner trust.

While forgiving someone who has seriously hurt or betrayed us is never easy, understanding it both cognitively and emotionally can help the process.  First, we give ourselves the gift by intellectually understanding that forgiveness is for our own freedom; it is good for us.  Emotionally and behaviorally, we can engage in the process by speaking, writing, sharing, meditating, or doing something to process (and ideally transform) the pain, and to draw forth our compassion and see the offender in his/her wholeness and humanity.  Secondly, in finding compassion, we must be in touch with our own shortcomings.  We must know humility: we, too, have offended/hurt/"missed the mark" in our own lives.  When we can sit with the part of ourselves that are whole, yet wounded, hurt and have hurt, we experience a greater fullness, integration, and wisdom to forgive, accept and heal, for ourselves, for others.  In this process, a deeper refinement and inner sustenance is enlivened.