As we get wildly curious and compassionate about the nature of our being, other creatures in all their forms, and the universe with its multiple possibilities-the known and unknown -we're invited to settle into a space of Beauty that holds all and learns trust.
1 Comment
I Go Among Trees by Wendell Berry
I go among trees and sit still. All my stirring becomes quiet around me like circles on water. My tasks lie in their places where I left them, asleep like cattle. Then what is afraid of me comes and lives a while in my sight. What it fears in me leaves me, and the fear of me leaves it. It sings, and I hear its song. Then what I am afraid of comes. I live for a while in its sight. What I fear in it leaves it, and the fear of it leaves me. It sings, and I hear its song. After days of labor, mute in my consternations, I hear my song at last, and I sing it. As we sing, the day turns, the trees move. Being with, being still, wherever you are is often exactly what nourishes “We cannot escape fear. We can only transform it into a companion that accompanies us on all our exciting adventures…” Susan Jeffers
I love the idea of fear being transformed into a “companion” of sorts. Allowing her to join us in moments we share an unpopular idea in a group, take a step in the direction of a goal, say “I love you” for the first time, build the business one hopes for, and many other moments of life where there’s some uncertainty or fear. Allowing the companion to be with us, we begin to transform fear into one of the most beautiful virtues: courage. How might courage be calling forth to you today? Wild Geese by Mary Oliver
"You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-- over and over announcing your place in the family of things." You are free...Connect to nature, beauty...Love what you love...You belong. Becoming aware and experiencing what the heart is feeling is quite a journey-lifelong for sure-and a blessing when the movement from awareness to experience is held with care, gentleness and openness to what is.
Our hearts encompass the totality of our lives, and depending on our level of attunement, it also holds the experiences of others, other life forms, even abstract ideas that may settle into our awareness and shape experience. When the fragments of our broken hearts feel more acute, even the slightest extension of self-compassion practices (hand on heart; gentle words; cupping of the face, for example) can allow the feelings to be felt more tenderly, with nurturance, and maybe even love. This movement is central to the healing of our hearts, our trauma work, our bodies-emotional and physical. The wholeness of heart sees the pain, holds her and also experiences how delicate, precious and beautiful so many things are. Abraham Joshua Heschel (1955) provides a beautiful reflection on the sublime, which he declares is "...the root of man's creative activities in art, thought, and noble living," and that which cannot be circumscribed to these alone. No philosophical system, no science, no art....not even nature herself can capture all of the qualities of sublimity. Consider his reflection:
"The sublime is not opposed to the beautiful, and must not, furthermore, be considered an esthetic category. The sublime may be sensed in things of beauty as well as in acts of goodness and the search for truth. The perception of beauty may be the beginning of the experience of the sublime. The sublime is that which we see and are unable to convey. It is the silent allusion of things to meaning greater than themselves "(p. 39) Kindness by Naomi Shihab Nye
Before you know what kindness really is you must lose things, feel the future dissolve in a moment like salt in a weakened broth. What you held in your hand, what you counted and carefully saved, all this must go so you know how desolate the landscape can be between the regions of kindness. How you ride and ride thinking the bus will never stop, the passengers eating maize and chicken will stare out the window forever. Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness, you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho lies dead by the side of the road. You must see how this could be you, how he too was someone who journeyed through the night with plans and the simple breath that kept him alive. Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside, you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing. You must wake up with sorrow. You must speak to it till your voice catches the thread of all sorrows and you see the size of the cloth. Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore, only kindness that ties your shoes and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread, only kindness that raises its head from the crowd of the world to say it is I you have been looking for, and then goes with you every where like a shadow or a friend. Sometimes the death of a loved one is anticipated, other times, it’s utterly out of the blue. In both circumstances, it can be shocking to oneself and/or the family system. In such moments, when the heart is broken so deeply or individuals are touching the ephemeral nature of our lives, some may provide gestures, declarations and aspirations to “come together,” “create unity,” “forgive,” and tend to the pieces of brokenness within the family system.
This is rather beautiful! And, it has the potential to foster healing and a lived experience of more loving, fulfilling and meaningful relationships-impacting the generations that follow. However, such heartfelt longings in such moments become mere platitudes if the space in which the grief is encountered, along with the family dynamics, is not held in gentleness and awareness of the cognitive and emotional context of what preceded it, and what could follow if some within the system may resist change-even when well-intentioned- clinging to subtle forms of power and subsystem alliances, which change may dismantle. It may be helpful to consider how years or decades of fraught relations may not be healed overnight. An apology may be fine for some situations and/or difficulties with some family members-and clearly an apology that goes beyond the “sorry if I hurt you,” and acknowledges what one is sorry for and the awareness of the actions that were hurtful is helpful and begins to restore relational trust. For others, it may take time. To ease the hurt and condition the heart to love as freely and generously as possible while striving to create stability and acceptance, honoring individuality and difference within the “tribe”-especially in culturally, religiously, and politically diverse families-is essential. Some things that families might consider include the following: Forgiveness: Understanding it may be a process, and that it may take time to build trust again. Lean into that sense that a steadier relationship is being cultivated. Allow time to speak to the steadiness and trust and believe that with no quick fixes something more steady, real and honorable might emerge. Avoid, recognize and correct interactional patterns of denial, invalidation, minimizing, attack. If one is eager to “just forgive and move on,” try to understand that the other person(s) is forgiving and moving on in their own way. Trust them. There is learning and unlearning happening here, and the brain is also re-orienting and wiring itself to new experiences that perhaps responded to past emotional threats with fight/flight/freeze responses and/or the person has a sense of caution due to former hopes for family relationships being met with disappointment. Family Diversity: Engage in political, cultural and religious differences honoring the goodness of the other and the intention to not impose one’s own beliefs; rather, as much as possible, suspend judgment and listen openly. If certain topics foment disconnection, find other things to connect on and perhaps have less of such discussions. Be mindful of language, exclusion and totalizing statements made about individuals or groups. Minimize personal reactivity by recognizing that while relatives are family, they are not you. They are responsible for their own choices and beliefs and while you may be embarrassed or saddened by some beliefs that feel out of alignment with your sense of self and vision of the world, try to recognize that they came to orient themselves out of their own personal influences and understandings. Personality Differences and Values: What is said? How is someone described? What is valued in how individuals are described? The introvert has a place and can offer their uniqueness and generativity as much as the “bubbly extrovert.” The athlete, artist, laborer, academic, entrepreneur has an equal seat at the table that is valuable; and the one who gives from their heart a gift that may not speak to an extravagance and/or monetary value that others may provide is just as valuable and worthy of acknowledgment. What sort of gifts of mind, heart, personality and materiality are accepted, which are rejected and devalued? Awareness of the subtle and not so subtle forms of communication create experiences that can “unite” or lead others to rightfully retreat. The 5:1 Ratio: Relationship theorist Jon Gottman demonstrates we need five positive associations for every one negative interaction. Condition the heart in a daily practice of noting the good qualities in the family members that are the most difficult to connect with and try to recall memories of pleasant times. Creating new pleasant memories is wonderful and can connect and assist in the healing of past hurts. Pleasant times needn’t mean “fun” times-although such times are good, too. It could be moments of heartfelt conversation in which each is heard, affirmed and feels seen and loved for who they are. Be gentle with yourself and each other through this. Commit to being a friend to yourself through it all, and, as much as possible, greeting the challenges along the way with a friendly curiosity of what's emerging. Death can bring a keen sense of life and birth family life anew. In a desire for openness, acceptance and LOVE, may triumphs of the heart be experienced for those that seek her gifts. "He who experiences the unity of life, sees his own Self in all beings, and all beings in his own Self, and looks on everything with an impartial eye." The Bhagavad Gita
Aspiring to be unity consciousness- and holding impartiality- seems to me one way to heal, transform and settle into personal and societal spaces most expansively, wisely and lovingly. "Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes)." Walt Whitman Isn't there some beauty in recognizing that we can live our lives and find that at points in time, what we knew, or thought we knew may no longer hold an absolute truth for us? Flexibility of heart and mind supports and deepens our emotional maturity and intimacy with self and others. It allows considerations of thoughts, feelings and experiences to be encountered anew as life flows through us. |
AuthorNadia Brewart, Ph.D., is a student of life with an insatiable curiosity about what it means to be human, amidst encounters with the human condition. Archives
February 2024
Categories |