A thing of beauty is a joy forever;
Its loveliness increases; it will never
Pass into nothingness; but will still keep
A bower of quiet for us, and a sleep
Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet
breathing.                                                       By John Keats


Whether it's tangible, intangible, or a bit of both, beauty nourishes us.  Savor moments of her, remember her with gratitude and create her with words, deeds, objects and an interior life that aligns with the external experience. 

"The idea of 'no regrets' doesn't mean living with courage, it means living without reflection.  To live without regret is to believe we have nothing to learn, no amends to make, and no opportunity to be braver with our lives." Brene' Brown

When we reflect on our lives and find areas of action or inaction that impacted ourselves, others or society in unfavorable ways, we encounter regret.  This is a place to go within, ask questions to the self, be accountable to others, and learn that some of the past actions of our lives-when they are seen for what they are and addressed with honesty and courage-bring forth a more expansive, wholesome presence to hold ourselves and all beings with dignity and trust. 

“Until we accept the fact that life itself is founded in mystery, we shall learn nothing.” Henry Miller

Some of the most profound human experiences have identifiable and multiple factors that impact outcomes- from love to loss, to encountering mental and/or physical illness, to cultural and historical experiences of triumph and order to chaos and entropy. But there’s also aspects of experience we may not fully be able to have knowledge of and/or access.  Here, releasing the need to know and inviting more helpful questions may provide a deeper understanding of the self and the object of inquiry.

In our individual lives, self-awareness is key.  In building self-awareness, it’s useful to utilize cognitive understandings (our mind), our physical body (it holds a wisdom of its own), and our heart (internal emotional/spiritual understandings).  In the West, we place a great emphasis on our minds, or “science,” and while the mind is beautiful and has its rightful place, we want to also connect it to our physicality and our heart.  

How does this work?  I think this is a lifelong process-and I certainly haven’t perfected the art-but there are areas we can condition regularly to support living well into the mystery.  Let’s take a closer look at each of these:

Cognitively: As we notice our “automatic thoughts,” we may find we utter words to ourselves and/or others that are not helpful and not true.  These thoughts can get us stuck in ways of “seeing and knowing” that aren’t quite skillful and limit our understanding.  As we notice these things, we can change the language, and begin to dissolve the automatic thought, invite different thoughts and more helpful questions, which likely will provide more helpful answers.  We can also examine our thoughts and most importantly, our fundamental beliefs:  We may visit ideas taught in our family of origin, our culture, the Western and Eastern intellectual traditions and be in conversation with the teachings to find wisdom, direction, and perhaps gaps in understanding as many ideologies can reduce their system of thought to some “ism” of sorts: economics, nationalism, feminism, racism, individualism, environmentalism, among other “isms” with presentist assumptions. As we visit different philosophical landscapes, we may find a verdant field of more possibilities-and more mystery-which extends deeper humility in attempting to answer some bigger and complex questions, and extends respect to others that orient differently.

Physicality:  Our bodies hold an awareness of their own.  We feel and we can also change what we perceive and feel by our breath, movement, posture, temperature, etc.  At a very basic level, notice whether you feel light or heavy when you think about someone or something.  Notice your posture, your hands, your jaw, your brow, your chest, soften and open.  In breathwork, yoga, EFT/tapping, meditation, somatic approaches and in therapy, people often release emotions stored in their body. Crying, shaking, rocking, verbal sounds are ways the body may release, untie physical and emotional knots and at times open one to seeing that the “this or that” of the perceived challenge holds more invitations to understanding the self-far beyond the mind-and that the body itself is in a dynamic interplay with mind and heart.
​
Heart Practice: Opening the heart is a beautiful practice that allows us to hold life with gentleness, connect with self/others by virtue of seeing ourselves and others in our/their totality, releasing/forgiving hurts, and increasing joy by gratitude! Practices can include: i) text study with application to something in your life: for example, reading about the importance of generosity and giving time or money to something important to you; ii) gratitude: listing, recalling, writing about, taking in the things, people, moments your grateful for, magnifying them and celebrating that you have the ability to recognize and experience the gifts of life-many intangible; iii) meditation: metta or loving-kindness meditation for which a felt sense of self, others, groups, the world are taken in with each inhalation and exhalation with blessings you wish upon them, and iv) I think a heart practice can be anything that gets us outside of self-focus, and gets us into our body, into our heart, in a dance of life that holds not only the joy, but also life’s pain and experiences Life holding all beings as precious, valued contributors to the known, the less known and the unknown…inviting us to more and more beautiful questions.

“Be his,
My special thanks, whose even-balanced soul,
From first youth tested up to extreme old age,
Business could not make dull, nor passion wild
Who saw life steadily and saw it whole.” Matthew Arnold

It's a common experience that at different seasons of our lives, we’re more focused on one domain than another.  However, if we consider family, work/school, physical health, finances, emotional health, intellectual growth, spirituality and social engagement as life domains, attending to each will add to a rich and fuller life!  What do you notice around where your time and energy go irrespective of life stage?
​
We certainly seek flow states and may experience them in one domain more than another, but what might happen if you spend a little more time and energy in the domains that maybe you’ve neglected and/or not made a priority?  Is it possible that the “flow” states will be more readily and frequently experienced in your top one or two domains AND a whole new juice of life is nourished in other domains?  For the doers, are you allowing enough play?  For those that are high on social engagement, is there a practice that will support results in another domain?  For the intellectually curious, do you allow enough time in your heart, with yourself, in nature, in a community of like-minded individuals that uplift you? What might be inviting more attention to your days?

It’s fun to continue to uncover new truths about ourselves and our world as we attend to the different domains and get curious about what we find!

​This month will be the thirteenth-year anniversary of my father’s passing.  There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him (or my mom) in some way, and I miss them so much.  I sometimes find the voice of my father in moments and the softness of mom at other times. 

While my father was difficult for me growing up, I learned to appreciate him and see the wounded (perhaps traumatized) child within him and also the larger-than-life courageous man he appeared to me at different times in my youth and realized he was in many ways in my adulthood.

The plaque (in the above photo) was given to me when I was seven years old:  It says “To our beloved daughter Nadia.  In recognition of her ardent pursuit of general education and physical fitness.”  What’s funny about this is that he created a contest with three contestants (including myself...not particularly competitive) and I won due to no merit of my own: I was blessed with the discipline gene and the Capricorn-goat quality of determination.  In the other photo, he inscribed in the book the Law of Success how “Nothing is impossible” and how applying the laws of success would benefit my life.

Dad sure fed my mind and my spirit in helpful ways. He also encouraged working out and I’m one of those nuts who actually enjoys my morning workout, which has been with me throughout my lifetime thanks to him.  As time has passed, I’ve learned to release parts of the doer and the achiever that didn’t serve me and defined success for myself based more on what’s internal and what I define as meaningful.  The fact is that Dad provided the foundation for me to think for myself and to see that “nothing is impossible” in my response to situations, to the self within me and to others.  Ultimately, I have choice.
My father gave me the Law of Success when I was fourteen years old and as I review them now, I find beauty in them. In case you’re curious.  Here’s the Fifteen Laws of Success by Napolean Hill:  1) A Definite Chief Aim, 2) Self-Confidence, 3) Habit of Saving, 4) Initiative and Leadership, 5) Imagination, 6) Enthusiasm, 7) Self-Control, 8) The Habit of Doing More than Paid For, 9) Pleasing Personality, 10) Accurate Thinking, 11) Concentration, 12) Cooperation, 13) Profiting by Failure, 14) Tolerance, 15) Practicing the Golden Rule
​
Are there “laws” here you aspire to uphold? If so, what’s some small action(s) that can bring you closer to experiencing them? 

“Loving comes from looking” John Clarke

No doubt, there are different kinds of love (storge(family); phileo (brotherly/friend); eros (sexual attraction); agape(unconditional/”divine”) that we all can experience.  And, while many of us recognize that love is a verb, enacted with demonstrations that go beyond our feelings, I love the quote by Clarke because it invites us to experience the less sexy part of love, which includes looking and seeing things as they are, sometimes the less beautiful parts of ourselves or another. 
This way of seeing stretches the heart muscle to love more fully.  It expands our capacity to take in breath (life force) with the more it sees, acknowledges, soothes, and the more it learns to release/forgive, and integrate the full spectrum of our experiences in this life we’re living. 

In mindfulness practices, we open a space to see more broadly what might be more challenging in ourselves, in others, and our world.  When we are able to see what’s inside ourselves (perhaps the sadness, the wounds, individual and/or ancestral traumas, doubts) and be with what is (perhaps listen, receive her message, acknowledge her attempts to protect and find her way), we begin to see self/others/society with greater nuance, greater wholeness to the totality of being.  We see that loving means loving all parts, understanding that these other parts can dissolve, be transformed and become a spark within us that brings forth our greatest character traits, sees it and magnifies it in others and recognizes that moments of discord are just that-we have the next moment to see, listen to the discord and the message it’s trying to give us, for ourselves, our relationships and our society. 

Once we see-and listen- as much as possible, we may understand and uncover the needs…We may find that things may go away on their own, and/or insights on what might be needed will emerge naturally.
​
As we approach Valentine’s Day, what might the beloved within self, in your relationship, or in society desire to be seen…to be held with dignity, curiosity and care?  Will you give this Valentine’s gift to yourself and get curious about what might happen?

A little over a week ago, we had a special day to reflect on the honorable life of Martin Luther King Jr.  January is also the month of Gandhi’s assassination and this year on January 30th,  it will be the 75th anniversary of his death. 

Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr are two of my heroes for their beautiful minds and fortitude to birth societal change in ways that utilized the discipline of mind, the cultivation of the heart, the power of ideas, and the expressions of the inherent value and dignity of life.

Now, some may argue that nonviolence is not wise and can cheapen the lives of innocent victims.  A philosophical argument on when and to what extent one might choose nonviolence is beyond the scope of this reflection.  Here, I speak as a therapist rooted in contemplative and somatic practices that can be applied to micro and macro issues, which support understandings of how applications of nonviolence in our individual lives and more broadly in our culture can provide more helpful states of wellbeing.

Consider the following:  When we’re contracted, on the defensive, in fear, our vision is myopic.  We’re on guard for threats to physical and emotional safety.  The more we’re in chronic states of fight/flight/freeze, we lose a sense of what might be real or imagined threats and it’s far more difficult to even think of solutions. Thus, we often act out in unhelpful ways that may bring forth greater threats and instability to self, others and society.  

As we soften, open and expand our hearts and minds, our ability to problem solve effectively is also more tangible.  Our communication is nonviolent-perhaps greater precision to the experiences and an ability to articulate injustices in ways that invite choices and extends dignity.  Some theorists have called this our “moral imagination” or “creative problem solving,” which is more likely to happen in a state of physical ease, expanded heart and disciplined mind (considering views of situations from many angles).  Here, we can choose what is the most helpful thing to do-and at times, it may mean self defense beyond pacifism. What's important is that we're using our body, our mind, and our heart/intuitive knowing for skillful responses to what is.
​   
My paternal grandfather was also a lover of Gandhi...Here's a poem he wrote:
The Light of India by John C. Brewart
Dedicated to the sons of India's soil.  In memory of your great leader Mahatma Gandhi
No tongue could tell, nor pen could write
a tale so sad and true,
Of mortal man who lived on earth, whose
life was given for you.
Adversity and darkened days had
never changed his mind,
To solve the problem of your lives, freedom
for you to find.
Through every fleeting moment of his sacred 
lonely life
He tried to serve his motherland from tumult
and from strife.

Of fame, he wanted nothing and riches
still less, too,
But all he did aspire to, was happiness 
for you.
Through many a lonely hour and many
a lonely day,
He prayed that peace and concord be
showered down on you.
His noble mind and purity could never
be defined
His ardent love for countryman could 
​never be denied.

The glorious "Light" of your country was
destined no longer to burn,
At the treacherous hands of a Traitor who
awaited his death in return.
​The innocent blood of your "LEADER" would
dared to have thought of revenge.
But ye, Loyal Sons of Great India, your 
duty it is to avenge.
May the courageous hearts of your country
not yield to sword of the foe.
March on to your Glorious Victory, march on
and onward you go.

“The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure.” Joseph Campbell

In our youth many of us dreamed of how our lives might unfold in spectacular ways:  For some it would be a beautiful family life, for others a meaningful career, for some fame in their given field/art/scholarship.  Some dreamed of material comforts and others sought gurus who resided in humble conditions yet offered a wealth of wisdom.  Many wanted a physique and physical health to feel and look their best, too. Many imagined they could and would have it all-if not most of it!

Then we live a little. By middle adulthood, we've likely encountered enough experience to understand some of our limitations, others’ limitations and the limitations of events beyond our control. When the vicissitudes of life are met, some will shrink, others might settle, some become the self-critic-and others look for blame-inside and/or outside of themselves. If we’re living and tasting life on our terms, enacting some courage along the way, we can experience these and other difficult emotions in certain moments.  It’s all natural.  They can be welcomed as a part of our growth when we hold another reality, which brings forth the true adventure of our lives, our souls, our being, finely focused on what matters most!
​
We can learn to see that the moments of “failure,” limitation, poor decisions, or a lack of consistency were and are opportunities for us to find the “why” of our dreams, release what is not serving us, and be very curious about what’s happening.  We grow into a hearty yes when we receive EACH BREATH as a GIFT knowing we may only have THIS MOMENT, THIS DAY to say yes to ourselves, to engage in our adventure of living FULLY…being driven to ACTIONS that support our best selves and our deepest yearnings.

Whatever season of life you’re in, are you saying yes to YOU, to this grand adventure of living?  Are you committing again and again to yourself? What might you devote yourself to today to bring you closer to your dreams? 
​ 
Say YES and be YOU-unencumbered by any unhelpful stories a pattern in you might try to convince you of.  Choose freedom and enjoy the adventure!  

May this month further awaken our ability to recognize, receive and honor giving in all her forms. 

When Giving Is All We Have by Alberto-rios
One river gives
Its journey to the next.
We give because someone gave to us.
We give because nobody gave to us.
We give because giving has changed us.
We give because giving could have changed us.
We have been better for it,
We have been wounded by it--
Giving has many faces: It is loud and quiet,
Big, though small, diamond in wood-nails.
Its story is old, the plot worn and the pages too,
But we read this book, anyway, over and again:
Giving is, first and every time, hand to hand,
Mine to yours, yours to mine.
You gave me blue and I gave you yellow.
Together we are simple green. You gave me
What you did not have, and I gave you
What I had to give—together, we made
Something greater from the difference.

 

Parker Palmer argues in Let Your Life Speak: Listening to the Voice of Vocation," for the inner fulfillment that results from engaging in "work" that is our deepest truth and calling.  I think Gibran captures this truth beautifully, expressing the love which can be in "labor," and how it can foster intimacy with self and life...how each being has a place of value and contribution to Life through their work-and the unfolding of Life work.

"You work that you may keep pace with the earth and the soul of the earth.
For to be idle is to become a stranger unto the season, and to step out of life's
procession, that marches in majesty and
proud submission towards the infinite.
When you work, you are a flute through whose heart the whispering of the hours turns to music.  
Which of you would be a reed, dumb and silent, when all things sing together in unison?
Always you have been told that work is a curse and labor a misfortune.
But I say to you that when you work, you fulfill a part of earth's furthest dream,
assigned to you when that dream was born,
And in keeping yourself with labour, you are in truth loving life, 
And to love life through labour is to be intimate with life's inmost secret."