Last week, I was sent a link which discussed how "knowledge does not equal understanding" and how changing the way we do things and/or think about things often promote positive outcomes. This is true. "Out of the box" people, environs, and solutions can promote learning, even if it is to demonstrate what we do or do not want in our lives.
But, when some people think about those with whom they have conflicted, intimate relationships (a family member, beloved, dear friend, for example), the tacit or expressed hope is to change another individual. In my work with families, often one person is pointing the finger at another and saying: "S/he needs to change!" The truth is that the interactions may need to change, which often is lost because the subtext of "you need to change" is "something is wrong with you." This can activate feelings of anger, guilt, shame, unworthiness, and defensiveness.
The language in which one communicates is fundamental to how feelings are expressed and received. The blaming, shaming, and experience of pernicious emotions such as shame and unworthiness are harmful to both the person who experiences them and to the person who is involved in the act of it because they demoralize and strip each of their human dignity. When one truly loves and experiences interconnection, the self and relational partner are seen in the other; thus, the I that is shamed is also the you that is shamed, and vice versa.
When genuine efforts to change harmful interactions are not realized, one can move through difficult family gatherings, interactions, etc, with greater insight into expectation, prayers/reflections for wisdom, and blessings for those whom one loves, but chooses not to engage with in the same way. In this space, s/he can say with confidence, respect and heartfelt wishes: "Go where your beauty grows...as I do."
But, when some people think about those with whom they have conflicted, intimate relationships (a family member, beloved, dear friend, for example), the tacit or expressed hope is to change another individual. In my work with families, often one person is pointing the finger at another and saying: "S/he needs to change!" The truth is that the interactions may need to change, which often is lost because the subtext of "you need to change" is "something is wrong with you." This can activate feelings of anger, guilt, shame, unworthiness, and defensiveness.
The language in which one communicates is fundamental to how feelings are expressed and received. The blaming, shaming, and experience of pernicious emotions such as shame and unworthiness are harmful to both the person who experiences them and to the person who is involved in the act of it because they demoralize and strip each of their human dignity. When one truly loves and experiences interconnection, the self and relational partner are seen in the other; thus, the I that is shamed is also the you that is shamed, and vice versa.
When genuine efforts to change harmful interactions are not realized, one can move through difficult family gatherings, interactions, etc, with greater insight into expectation, prayers/reflections for wisdom, and blessings for those whom one loves, but chooses not to engage with in the same way. In this space, s/he can say with confidence, respect and heartfelt wishes: "Go where your beauty grows...as I do."
RSS Feed
